I’m Yours

5 Mar

My big problem at the moment isn’t writing. It’s actually deciding what to write. Which I guess sounds like a small problem, until you realise how deep this rabbit hole goes. It’s practically reached China, by this point. It’s gone past China and is currently on its way to outer space.

I’m hoping it will meet up with a robot Michael Fassbender aboard the starship Prometheus, pretty soon, and then we can finish being in an Alien movie together. In my version there are very few xenomorphs, and far more shots of him wandering aimlessly around the ship while naked, in some sort of commentary on the loneliness of the human condition by way of his immense cock.

So really it’s just Shame, in space. With a side order of what I was talking about, before:

My inability to decide on a project, or a chapter, or a paragraph, or a sentence. Which I think is illustrated nicely, by the above digression. I start on one thing, and end up in another. I’m sure I want to talk about writing, then find I’m discussing an awful movie made by Steve McQueen.

Because it is awful. Just when I didn’t think he could cram any more prudery and disapproval of sex into one movie, he goes and paints some married woman as a scarlet temptress at the end. I wanted to gouge out the movie’s eyes with my fingernails.

And then remake it in a way that seems far truer to the way Michael Fassbender really appears:

Hooray, look at my giant cock! Yay, I’m a giant happy shark running around bonking everything that walks, hooray!

Which isn’t exactly an existential commentary on anything. I’m not even sure what it is, to be honest. The Imaginary Adventures of Michael Fassbender In My Head, maybe. The contents of his camera phone, perhaps.

It certainly has nothing to do with my struggles with knowing if I’m good enough. Because really, that’s what my indecision boils down to: it’s that sense that I’m not worthy. It’s a lack of confidence in my own ideas and my own words, and an inability to have faith that this…this is the right path.

Even though everyone around me seems to have all the faith in the world, in their own work. They have no problems putting their ideas out there, and having concrete coated steel-plated faith in their stories…whereas I…

I’ve never had that.

I don’t know what I have. I only know that my head is full to the brim with a million threads that lead here and there and everywhere – from Wonderland, to outer space – and I do want to follow them. I want to follow them.

Just to tell me where you want me to go, threads. Okay?

Tell me, and I’ll go wherever you lead. I’m yours to command, yours to take into battle. Show me the door, and I’ll open it. Give me the sword, and I’ll fight with it. Tell me the codes for the starship Prometheus, and I’ll fly it the ends of the universe.


8 Responses to “I’m Yours”

  1. Marilyn Campbell March 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    X-Men First Class Michael Fassbender is the MF I want to soar thru the Universe with! Thanks for the grins Charlotte!

  2. MadisonJEdwards March 5, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    Okay, here’s the thing I learned this year as I struggled to put words on the paper.
    STOP looking at what everybody else is doing. For all you know, when they’re not online talkig about their accomplishments, they may be squirreled away in a hole, worrying that the prose god has forsaken them as well.
    All you can do is look after you. Hunt down your muse. Rouse her lazy a** from wherever she’s been hiding, and frog-march her back onto your shoulder. Then park your tuckus in front of your computer and commit daily verbal spewage onto your screen until something clicks.
    At least, that’s what I had to do. 🙂

    • themightycharlottestein March 6, 2012 at 6:52 am #

      It’s not really what everyone else is accomplishing that worries me – it’s not what they’re writing or how much or how many books they’re publishing, at all. It’s my own lack of confidence that worries me. Other people have the confidence (or at the very least, are able to fake that confidence) to push themselves forward, whereas I don’t. I tend to hang back – I’m even embarrassed about promoing, and nervous about emailing my agent.

      And I have no issue sitting down to do the work. I daily write up to 5k. I just don’t like or have faith in what I’m actually writing.

  3. Nara Malone March 5, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    I think you just described what goes on in my brain, except for the part about Michael Fassbender, but hey I’m willing to add that scene to my mental movie. Your version sounds like more fun. 🙂 Great write Charlotte, and I don’t think any of us is confident, just pretending to be because everyone else is.

    • themightycharlottestein March 6, 2012 at 6:53 am #

      LOL I love that! Mental movie. And yeah, I know, I know. I just wish I could fake it better!

  4. shannonemmel March 11, 2012 at 6:08 am #

    LOL As always, Charlotte, your words make me grin and that in and of itself is a true gift!

    I’m a bit of an obsessive maniac when I write…once I get my teeth into a project I can’t stop until it’s done. But!

    It’s the getting started that’s always a problem. You see I know that once I start, I can’t stop, I turn my back on my friends and family and even my poor little dogs look at me like, “Mom! You’ve been sitting there for hours…can we go OUT? Pleeeeease?!”

    Then I realize it’s time to call my sponsor…

    So… I think that might be YOUR problem as well…it’s not confidence, or worthiness or indecision or procratination.

    It’s simply knowing that once you commit, you forget about everything else and NOTHING ELSE GETS DONE!


    (Speaking of “committing”… it’s back to Shadowling Manor “Trial By Fire”.)

    Thanks for the “break”


  1. I Heart Women Who Obsess: Charlotte Stein | madeline iva - March 9, 2012

    […] having an inspiration upon which I can perseverate. (Oh and btw, I feel for you, I really do about trying to decide what to write.  I have a thousand ideas, and “which of my dollies do I play with next?”is a regular […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: