Attack Of The Giant MS Paint Penis

9 Jan

Oh dear. Somehow I seem to have not posted in my regular spot for about a hundred years. And although there are many things I could use as an excuse, here – Christmas, intense deadlines, Prince Charming forgetting to come and snog me awake – I know it’s all my fault. I let myself succumb to turkey comatose, and then trifle comatose, and then finally some weird buffet thing that could be filled with pureed frog for all I know comatose.

And as for the deadlines, well…we all know what happened there. I said yes to about eight things, then had to write them all at once. My hands are now keyboard claws and for about a month I went around with hair like an explosion in a wasp factory. It’s no wonder Prince Charming didn’t want to kiss me, and not only because I didn’t really specify where he had to do the kissing.

Yeah, you know where he had to do the kissing. Just to be clear: it’s not anywhere on my face. Or my top bit. Or my bottom bit. It’s really sort of more around the middle of my body – that’s right! You’ve guessed it!

I was looking for belly button. Belly button.

But anyway I totally digress about vaginas that kind of look like belly buttons, when what I really wanted to talk about was how much I want to make it up to the one and a half people that read my blog posts here. So without further ado, I present a million orsum things, to atone for my terrible absence:

Armie Hammer’s fabulous shoulder bits. Hooray!

A random nipple – ooooooh. Who could it belong to?

Now, here I wanted to have a picture of Michael Fassbender’s penis. He’s gone full frontal in a movie that’s been out for over a month, so reasonably speaking there should be some evidence of this online. Alas, however, there is not, which makes me wonder if seeing Michael Fassbender’s penis is kind of like watching that video tape in Ring, and if it happens you get a telephone call, and then a week later it crawls out of the TV and tries to kill you.

In which case, it’s perfectly understandable that some greedy fangurls would want to keep this information all to themselves. So instead, I’ve just got you this artist’s rendering of what the offending article might look like:

Disclaimer: looking at the MS Paint version will not make Michael Fassbender’s penis attack you through your TV. Apologies for any inconvenience this may cause, to your vagina.

And finally, here is a picture of Alex O’Loughlin’s now frankly enormous tramp stamp. Of course, we all know what that means, don’t we, ladies? Yes, Alex O’Loughlin is, in fact, an enormous tramp.

Orderly queues start somewhere around Bristol, so be prepared to walk underwater for several thousand miles.

And that is the end of my make-up post. I hope you’ve forgiven me. If you haven’t, then just stay tuned for my next post in two week’s time: Michael Fassbender’s Actual Penis.

P.S. My new novella, Doubled, comes out on Wednesday. Hooray! If you’re at all interested in gigantic hunky twins focussing all of their immense sexual prowess on one lucky girl, it can be found here: http://www.jasminejade.com/p-9858-doubled.aspx

6 Responses to “Attack Of The Giant MS Paint Penis”

  1. ginamaxwell January 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    Charlotte, you just gave me a wonderful belly laugh episode, so thank you! I do believe that post makes up for any made-up indiscretions you feel you’ve made to the masses. I’m partial to the random nipple, myself. 😉 Ciao!

  2. shannonemmel January 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    O M G! I missed you, Charlotte! Welcome back from the abyss…Doubled?

    Oh yeah…I’ll be looking for it on Wednesday!!

    • themightycharlottestein January 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

      I missed you too, bb! And thanks – that alleviates some of my release week nerves.

  3. Lisagk January 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    And with Alex’s tramp stamp we get a partial view of his ahem, bottom bits. Thanks for the pics and the laughs.

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