Love Amongst The Zimmer Frames

17 Oct

It’s the weirdest thing. When I’m in the middle of writing something, I get bogged down. I start hating this bit, or that bit, or you know. All of it. But then once I’m done – although I convince myself that the finished article is so horrible that my editor is going to burn the pages and salt the earth afterwards, just to be sure the demon is exorcised – I start to miss it.

I miss my characters, as though they’ve become real people, in my head. It’s almost like I went on a vacation with them for a couple of months (or longer, depending on how willing I am to look in my edit file and uncover all the cuts and drafts and agony I went through, for these books), and now I not only have to say goodbye, I have to kind of kill them off.

They don’t exist, anymore. Their story is done. I can’t go on vacation with them same time next year, because they’ve faded away like David Bowie at the end of Labyrinth, to be replaced by people I don’t quite know yet.

It’s disconcerting. I mean, I’ve never been one of those writers who thinks they’re married on the astral plane to their characters. I’m not Anne Rice. But this time, the feeling’s been very strong. I just want my heroine to go back and party with the twins from Doubled all over again.

Though of course when I say party, I actually mean: go back and let them have sex all over her a hundred times. Not even a hundred times – a million. I just want it to be one big endless book, like The Neverending Story only without a giant penis-shaped dragon and that bit where he lets his fooking horse die.

No horses would die in the ongoing saga of my twins and the lucky girl they’re obsessed with. Though I guess I’d have to introduce at least some fantasy elements, because realistically I can’t have them all going at it in a retirement home. So I dunno…maybe they could all be secretly immortal?

Yeah, they’re all secretly immortal, and they stay forever gorgeous and more importantly: limber. I mean, I could have them all having sex in a retirement home at the age of ninety. But if I did so, I’d at least have to recognise how hugely limited I’d be with regard to sex positions.

Somehow,  I can’t quite imagine ancient versions of my characters doing piledrivers and reverse cowgirls, after they’ve had their seventeenth hip replacement. But I can imagine them eating a lot of ginger biscuits and talking about Downton Abbey, which while interesting is not half as sexy as the scene where the twin fook my heroine up and down the bed.

You see what you’ve done here, Jane Rylon? Yes, it’s Jane’s fault that I’m even considering all of this. There I was on Twitter, merrily missing my just finished stories in an oh well sort of way, when along comes Jane. “That’s what series are for!” she says.

And since she’s a genius, I have to obey. Look out for my next twenty books, ending in the obvious Booker Prize winner: “Love Amongst The Zimmer Frames”.

P.S. If you’d like to see a little snippet from my twins book – you know, just to reassure yourself that I’m not actually writing about ninety-year-olds performing sexual gymnastics – I posted it here:





4 Responses to “Love Amongst The Zimmer Frames”

  1. Marilyn Campbell October 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    Right there with you girl! Great post!

  2. naramalone October 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

    I hear you. I hired a character from one of my former books to write my Thursday blogs. But series, now there’s an idea. I know I’ll be lining up to buy all of yours.

    • themightycharlottestein October 18, 2011 at 1:57 am #

      Hee – that’s so cool! And as for the last comment – that’s just the nicest thing to say. Thank you, Nara. xx

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