Book Girl

8 Aug

I’ve never really been into naughty movies. You can probably tell as much, seeing as I’ve just used the word “naughty” to describe films in which cocks are pretty much flying all over the sceen at regular intervals. Which is likely another clue that I don’t watch much porn, since I’m pretty sure that a) no cocks actually fly around in Gushing Fannies 4 and b) cocks can’t fly at all.

Oh and also: I doubt there’s a real skin flick called Gushing Fannies 4.

But if there is, I probably haven’t seen it – because I’ve always been much more of a fiction sort of girl. And the reason for this has recently become apparent to me, because I’ve had occasion* to watch some naughty movies and I can clearly see where my preferences lie.

I mean the weird thing about fiction versus film is that in fiction, stuff actually seems more realistic. And I know that’s strange because there’s plenty of books out there that have people pulsating their love organs and flowering their lady gardens and what have you, but even in stuff like that I think this notion of realism holds true.

Becuase the problem with porn, for me, is just how mechanical it seems. I mean, even in the floweriest, stupidest, most ridiculous piece of erotic fiction, you still usually get the following:

1. Everyone comes. Even the women. If someone doesn’t come, your editor pokes you with something – usually an email but it could be a finger or even a large stick.

2. Some sort of normal segue into sex having. Like “I like you”, rather than “oh my God that pizza you delivered makes me horny”.

3. Even if the sex does begin with a horny pizza, there is almost no strange robotic acting surrounding it. Which I imagine would look something like this, in fiction:

“Sierra stared with dead eyes somewhere just to the left of Justin’s shoulder. “Oh, um, maybe your pizza horny makes me.” Justin tried to remember his lines. “Yeah I guess can I grab your tit?” Sierra glanced at the camera surreptitiously from under eyelashes that were kind of bothering her. “Sure,” she said.”

4. A distinct lack of a penis sawing out of a vagina for half an hour. I mean, seriously. How much in and out can a person reasonably stand? After a while it just starts to look like something else – an oil pump or a train going into a tunnel over and over. The best bits are always the ones where people seem to be actually enjoying themselves, and I don’t know anyone who enjoys having a train go into their tunnel for ten years.

5. Some dialogue other than “Oh yeah”, “oh fuck” and “Eeeeeeeeeuuuhhhhh”.

6. The occasional orgasm actually inside someone.

And even though Jeff Stryker’s penis is truly magnificent, I just found myself missing this stuff too much. I need my female characters to come. I just do. I need to know that they’re loving it – and most of the naughty movies I’ve seen just seem to lack this, more than any other thing.

Which is even worse than it not happening in fiction, really, because naughty movies have actual real live women doing this stuff. And if they don’t seem to be enjoying themselves, than all I can think is: God, I bet that chafes, after a bit. Man, that guy has one hairy beer gut. Jesus, that position can NOT be comfortable.

I mean, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with porn that has women chafing while being sawed by men with hairy beer guts in a position called “so the camera can see you”, but somehow I just don’t find it quite as sexy as something that lets me use my imagination. And even if I was shown a brilliantly acted women enjoying themselves hot non-sawing porn movie (and I know they exist), I think I’d feel the same.

I’m a book girl, all the way.

*And by “had occasion” I of course mean “I saw Jeff Stryker’s frankly amazing looking penis and wanted to see more of it, preferably in action”.

6 Responses to “Book Girl”

  1. shannonemmel August 8, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    OMG Charlotte…you’ve done it again. I LOVE your posts. They always catch me off guard and leave me smiling.

    You rrrrock!


    BTW– I’m with you on all counts LoL… definitely a book girl!

  2. Ally Daniels August 9, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    Amen to this! Using one’s imagination > being shown stuff. My imagination is much naughtier than anything a camera could capture. LOL

  3. Dale Ealey August 9, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

    You hit the penis on the ol’ head with that one!! Oh god so good I laughed my ass off at your very real descriptions. This is EXACTLY why I also prefer to read about it than see it, as the imagination is so much more powerful than the visual. Ma’am this is such a good post, you really caught it. OH; BTW it is said that many women don’t like to use condoms in the biz is length of time= more irritation.

    • themightycharlottestein August 10, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

      Thanks! And wow – had no idea it was an actual issue! I mean, logically it should be but to know it actually is is disturbing.

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