It’s Gog. Definitely.

11 Jul

Here is the stuff I forget to do on a regular basis:

1. Brush my hair. Like, I literally forget. The brush does not go near my hair, before I emerge into the light like a mole snuffling for beetles. Instead, I go out like this:

And yeah, that’s a beetle I’ve drawn with my mad MS paint skillz. I am snuffling for it, while wearing a ski slope on my head. Also, I’ve absolutely no idea why I don’t have a body, or how come my skin is a pale lilac, or why my lips are beige. I don’t think my lips are beige in reality, but really with eyes that small I think wall-coloured lips are the least of my problems.

2. Imbibe liquids. As you can probably guess by the picture above, I do not forget to eat, mysteriously. I mean, you’d think the two would go together, wouldn’t you? Both actions are almost identical. You grasp things with your hands and then manouevre them to your mouth, with mixed results (I also regularly forget where my mouth is, and smash the food against my clothes, my face, in my eye).

But nope. I get steadily fatter, while at the same time shrivelling like a raisin in the sun due to a lack of fluids. I’m going to end up looking like Jabba the Hut with a skin problem. I’m going to be Jabba the Husk – massive, but somehow crinkly at the same time.

3. Email people. Here’s the thing: I’m used to being no-one. I’m used to being a loser with three friends, who is never contacted by anyone. So when my inbox suddenly exploded about a year ago under the weight of the twenty loops I’m following and the emails from Important People and the other emails from Actual Friends, my mind floated away on a quiet breeze and has not quite returned.

Plus, I click the wrong things. I think I’ve addressed an email: I haven’t. I think I’ve deleted the right email: I haven’t. I don’t know how to flag things, or put things in folders, or even write on little bits of paper that so and so needs reading/responding to without losing it somehow. I’ve probably lost out on a multi-million dollar writing career just because I’m such an disaster. The head of Hodder Stoughton emailed me three months ago and asked me if I’d take on a book contract worth the gross national product of Russia, and I forgot to email him back and say yes.

This is me:


(you  may have to click on it. I don’t even know how to properly upload a gif)

4. Watch things on the telly. I tell you, Jesus could be scheduled to make an appearance on BBC1 at 9pm next Tuesday, and I’d miss it. In fact, it being actually scheduled for next Tuesday just makes it worse. There’s, like, an ocean of time between me and next Tuesday. I’ll write it on my hand, but obviously it’s going to get washed off. And I’ll mean to Sky+ it, but then I’ll remember that piece of pizza I haven’t eaten in the refrigerator, go eat it, come back and forget I was ever going to do anything like record the second coming of my Lord and Saviour.

And then it’ll get to 9.35 on Tuesday evening and I’ll suddenly realise, flick over from Homes Under The Hammer in desperation only to find that the call-in for soul saving ended five minutes ago.

I didn’t dial the number and give the answer to the question:

What is the name of Jesus’ Dad?

a) Gud

b) Gog

c) God

So I guess I’ll have to just burn in hell.


7 Responses to “It’s Gog. Definitely.”

  1. judimello July 11, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    OMG! ROFL! I really felt what you did when I signed up for a coupe of email loops and my mind really did float away…

  2. Nara July 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

    Uh oh. Hodder Stoughton was somebody real? That billion dollar offer wasn’t spam?

  3. shannonemmel July 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    Charlotte…I so look forward to your posts! You absolutly crack me up!

    Thank you sooooo much!


    BTW … Yes, I believe it IS Gog!

  4. Nastassia Douglas July 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    This is a hilarious post 🙂

  5. Sasha Devlin July 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    You never fail to make me laugh and that dearest has to be worth something. And I too am that gif.

  6. Marilyn Campbell July 12, 2011 at 7:14 am #

    Thank you for making me laugh out loud first thing this morning!

  7. themightycharlottestein July 12, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    Judi – I knew it couldn’t just be me!

    Nara – ‘fraid not, hon. We fail at life!

    Shannon – aww thanks! It really makes my day when people like my weird posts! and I KNEW it was Gog!

    Nastassia – thanks for making my day, too!

    Marilyn – and now I’m just totally relieved that my weirdnesses are found humorous, and not as I always suspect they’ll be taken – like I’m a big mental head who just drew a crappy picture of herself.

    P.S. I don’t know how many peeps will see this or whether it matters, but just thought I’d say that I’m on hols at the moment for three weeks. so if I don’t reply to someone here it’s not just because I have all the memory of a goldfish!

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