Hot Zombie Apocalypses

30 May

As you may already know (in fact, if you’re around me anywhere you’ll almost certainly know and be mad that I’m mentioning it again) my zombie novel came out last week. So in honour of that fact, I thought I’d do a post about the hottest men in zombie movies.

And yes, before you mention that there are precious few hot men in zombie movies and I should actually do a post about hot zombies that I made up, I already did that:

You won’t catch me sleeping on the job.

And besides, there ARE hot men in zombie movies. I swear to God. Just look here:

This is Jake Weber in the Dawn of the Dead remake. I know purists will argue that I should only talk about the original Dawn of the Dead, but sadly, the original has no hot dudes in it. It just has that guy with weird sandy seventies hair and a propensity for messing around and getting himself bitten, which I absolutely do not want during an apocalypse.

I want Jake Weber, who kind of looks the way I imagine Fantastic Mr Fox would look, if he were a person. And though I’ve no idea how being a live action fox would help me during the zombie apocalypse, I can just tell it would. I mean, look at him there. He definitely looks dependable, right?

He looks like he’s going to humiliate Boggis, Bunce and Bean. I bet he’d come back from some raid in the wilderness with plenty of cider and chicken for me. And plus, he’s kind of easy on the eye. Six foot four, nice hair, voice like James Spader’s.

Yes, very nice zombie apocalypse. Very nice. Thank you for sparing such a handsome, handsome man.

But trust me, it doesn’t stop there. The zombie apocalypse has also spared:

And okay, I know he look a bit like an adult baby. Like one of those people with a weird disease that makes them age inside but not outside. He’s Benjamin Button, only not in a crappy film.

Instead, he’s fresh from the movie 28 Weeks Later, which I spent a full hour watching and wondering why I hated his character until I realised he was the evol rapist in that mining movie with Charlize Theron.

But once I realised he wasn’t going to creepily try to touch anyone in a tunnel, I thoroughly enjoyed his zombie killing talents. Unlike Fantastic Mr Fox, who is v. handsome but also kind of rubbish, Jeremy Renner (or “reverse baby” as I like to call him) is fully capable of killing things and saving me in spectacular style, shortly before we have frantic sex up against something.

At one point, he even gets himself burned alive to save everyone, which granted, would probably put a slight kink in our frantic sex lives. But the thing is, during a zombie apocalypse you have to take what you’re given, and if I was given a slightly burned and kind of looking like a baby Jeremy Renner, I’d take it.

Don’t look at me like that. You would too. You totally would. Unless maybe THIS was around:

I mean, there’s just no doubt that he’s the ultimate in zombie apocalypse Mancandy. Right? It can’t be denied. This is CJ (played by Michael Kelly) from the Dawn of the Dead remake, and he’s modelling the latest in massive trunk arms and badass apocalypse moustaches. His facial hair is as black as sin, and his eyes are as black as sin, and yeah, he’s probably going to horribly turn on you at some point, in order to stop the zombies eating him.

But I’ve got to admit. I’m not sure I’d complain, if he’d spent the previous hour and a half of the movie shagging me until my ears bled. And you know my ears would bleed, getting shagged by him. I bet he does it in a position called “piledriver”. I bet  the term “manhandle” is too wussified for him. Instead he goes with “beasthandle” and has done with it.

I think I love him.

But enough about my love for various hot, weird, shell-shocked, zombie survivors. Onto my book, which also has various hot, weird, shell-shocked, zombie survivors. And in it, they do what you’ve always secretly wanted to see in a zombie movie.

They have hot, steamy sexy, and partake of delicious, fear-of-death sparked threesomes, and generally make the most of the precious life they’ve got left. And you can see for yourself, by buying it here:

Not only that, but if you buy it today you get a 50% rebate at ARE. Bargain, right?

I think so. You don’t get a hot zombie apocalypse every day. But after years of fantasising about a great assortment of men in every zombie movie ever made, I’m only too happy to provide one.

5 Responses to “Hot Zombie Apocalypses”

  1. Lauren Fraser May 30, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

    LOL Clearly you’ve done your research. There’s definitely some slim pickings for hot guys in those movies, but I should have known if anyone could find them it’d be you. *grin*

    Congrats on the new release.

  2. themightycharlottestein May 30, 2011 at 6:13 pm #

    I can always be relied on to seek out Mancandy, however carefully it might hide itself. I’m like one of those trackers, searching the forest for evidence of mancandy spores and smelling the wind for signs of man-musk.

    And thanks, Lauren!

  3. Crystal Kauffman May 31, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    “pile driver” 🙂
    Wow. That conjures some images.

  4. nara May 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    Plie drivers? I’m going to have to check out your zombies. 🙂

  5. themightycharlottestein June 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Crystal- delightful images tho, right? Especially if it was Michael Fassbender doing the piledriving…

    Nara- you make me wish I’d just used that as the blurb. Maybe in big letters: PILEDRIVING.

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