Night of the Lepus

2 May

I did something stupid, about six months ago. I agreed to write 45k in two weeks right now.

And I know what you’re thinking. How exactly did she do that? Why would anyone do that? How come she’s got three midget gems and a DVD lodged in the wild mess of her hair?

Well, I’ll answer you. I did it because I agreed to write a certain number of books some time ago, and I didn’t realise at the time how insane that would end up being because when you say “oh, write 200k in a few months oh yeah that should be no problem” it feels like no problem. There are months, literally months between you and the deadlines. Whole gigantic days in which you could do almost anything!

Why, even if you only write 1k a day, it’s still totally do-able.

But the thing no-one tells you is this: a monster exists in the universe. A great speckle-backed, drooling, xenomorph-from-Alien looking motherfooker.

And it EATS days. It eats days as fast as I eat midget gems, and when I try to jump on its back and haul it in, it eats FASTER. One second its June. The next second its December. Of the year after that.

And you think you can have a day where you do nothing. You think you can. But that nothing day is a trick, it’s a trap. It lures you in with its promises of Queer As Folk marathons and its Aidan Gillens, lounging around all louche and seductive like.

But then POW. Suddenly it’s three days later and you’re no longer able to breathe or eat or fastforward your way through five seasons of The Wire to find sex scenes with Aidan Gillen in them, because suddenly the deadline is RIGHT NOW and dear FOOK why did I agree to do this?

I’ve got 45k to write in two weeks. And that’s not the worst part, either. The worst part is the goddamn breeding plot bunnies, squeaking and squeaking at me and digging great holes in the WIPs I’m working on.

And then sometimes, they stand up straight like humans, and say in horrible booming voices like something out of a horror movie: YOU DO NOT WANT TO WRITE THIS STORY. YOU WANT TO WRITE THIS ONE, YES, THIS ONE – THE ONE ABOUT AIDAN GILLEN BEING A MASSIVE ALMIGHTY PERVERT.

And like a zombie I am drawn to the booming horror movie rabbit voice, completely insensible of what I’m doing until it’s three hours later and I’ve somehow managed to puke out eight thousand words on a story I shouldn’t be writing.

While the story I needed to be writing YESTERDAY languishes on my laptop, my fingers barely able to pick out more than five words, my soul destroyed by the agony of the beautiful Aidan Gillen pervert story that so needs me to write it right now.

You can see my dilemma. And also, you can probably see by now how I end up with the midget gems and the DVD in the wild mess of my hair. But if not, I’ll tell you: I take a shower, put a towel on my head, frantically bash at my keyboard until some exhausting time like 11am the next day, and then pass out on the debris I’ve littered my bed with, during the night.

One time I fell asleep face first in a box of Dairy Milk. Other times I wake up with the laptop between my thighs, like a boxy, annoyingly bright lover who might die if I kick them off the bed.

Heyyyyy. Wait a minute. I think there’s a story in that. I think I’ll call it “Aidan Gillen”. Sounds good, huh? Now all I need to do is just put aside these forty-five thousand words I need to write by next Monday and I’m golden…

13 Responses to “Night of the Lepus”

  1. Grace Bradley May 2, 2011 at 7:24 am #

    You’re hilarious, Charlotte :)That is all…

  2. Marilyn Campbell May 2, 2011 at 8:02 am #

    Dear god, Charlotte, that was hysterical (and waaaaay too familiar)! Sounds to me like you need a good old-fashioned “Cleaner” to get the monsters and zombies and bunnies oh my out of your writing space. I just gave a shout out to Doctor Who, who is currently in America but I’m sure he has time to come to your aid!
    Thanks for the belly-laughs!

  3. Lauren Fraser May 2, 2011 at 11:53 am #

    I love your posts, Charlotte. Good luck with the writing. You can reward yourself with a day of Aidan Gillen when you are done, something to work for. *grin*

  4. Karen C May 2, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    My morning had not started out too well, so I really appreciated the chuckles your post provided – thank you!! Not sure that was the proper sympathetic response you were looking for – sorry ;0)

  5. Cat Grant May 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

    Oh, gawd! I have tears running down my face right now! I hope you’re happy! *wipes eyes*

  6. shannonemmel May 2, 2011 at 4:01 pm #


    You just made my day…not making light of your dilema, but that was absolutley hysterical!


  7. themightycharlottestein May 2, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    Grace- I do it alllll for you. I pass out in a box of Dairy Milk for you.

    Marilyn- I desperately need Doctor Who. He could just write all of this for me with his magic screwdriver! And you’re welcome. If I can give other people as many laughs as my ridiculous life gives me, I’ve done well.

    Lauren- I LOVE the way you think. “A Day of Aidan Gillen”. And on that most glorious of days I shall die of a terrible disease called “too many orgasms”.

    Karen- It was the perfect response! I don’t need symapthy – I need like minded people like you to laugh along with me. Otherwise, we’re all lost, lost to the demon rabbits that haunt our imaginations.

    Cat- I would be apologetic, but I can’t be. You’ve made my day!

    Shannon- no no- make light of it! That was the whole purpose! I need to make light of it before it buries me.

  8. Delphine Dryden May 2, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    Oh, I am once again reminded of my deep and abiding love for you. Also, somehow the wild hair thing now has me picturing Helena Bonham Carter playing you in the madcap story of your life. And of course boinking like a monster bunny w/ Mr. Gillen.

  9. themightycharlottestein May 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    Del- our love is like an ocean. A depthless ocean made of hearts and stars. And Helena Bonham Carter could totally play me. If she ate another Helena Bonham Carter, first. Maybe even a third one of herself, if I’m really honest.

    Though Aidan Gillen would definitely want to bonk me, then, because no man could stand against the terror of the unholy mountainous Helena Bonham Charlotte beast.

  10. Bronwyn Green May 2, 2011 at 5:14 pm #


    I’m so painfully familiar with this scenario, it’s not even funny. Actually, it is. In fact, after reading this I now feel marginally better about the book I have to writerealfast as soon as I catch up on the day job!

    I adore you, Charlotte. So very, very much!

  11. Crystal Kauffman May 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

    Too funny, but I feel your pain. Isn’t that more than NanoWriMo? My fingers are still numb from last November…

  12. Erica Anderson May 4, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    ‘booming horror-movie rabbit voice’?

  13. Erica Anderson May 4, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    I so want to see that movie!

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